My MDD first appeared after a 13 hour plane flight from New Zealand to the USA on May 28, 1995. The only thing memorable about the flight is that I was very fatigued, and had little sleep leading up to, and on the flight.
After getting off the flight, I immediately noticed that my mind seemed to be foggy and unclear, which I at the time attributed to fatigue. When I sat down to read while waiting for my connecting flight, I felt as though the seat I was sitting on was swaying underneath me, which I also attributed to just a temporary disturbance after the flight.
For me, the actual physical sensation of mdd is best described as a feeling of "g-forces" pressing my head when I'm stationary. It often feels as though someone is pushing my head backwards and forwards as I sit at a desk... pushing the brain inside my head against the inside of my skull. Another way to describe it is as the sensation of being on a see-saw, the head being pushed up and down. However, the purely physical sensations of motion are only part of my MDD. Included is accompanying cognitive difficulties, particularly in concentrating on tasks or jobs which require planning. Unfortunately, this includes my work, and MDD has been responsible for severe problems in maintaining my job (I have taken approximately 12 months off over the past two years because I have felt unable to concentrate and do my work).
Diagnosing my MDD was a long, arduous, frustrating, and in the end fortuitous process which took over six months. First, after three days of this sensation of fogginess, and sensation of motion, I went to my doctor who suggested that "these things (dizziness) usually go away", and just wait to see what happens. At the time, I was due to leave on another overseas trip for five weeks to present papers at two conferences in Europe, and I was worried about leaving when I felt so poorly. However, there wasn't enough time to get diagnostic tests done before my trip, so I decided that I would attempt the trip.
The five weeks I spent in Europe were the hardest time I've ever had in my life. Everything I did seemed as if it was just keeping my head above water, as I experienced this strange sensation of motion, and inability to concentrate on tasks. At times I considered going to an ear/nose/throat doctor in Europe to see if they could do any tests, but I was not in one place long enough to make this feasible.
Eventually I returned to the USA, feeling miserable, and immediately went to my doctor again. We started off with a full CBC blood test. It was normal. Then it was off to the ear clinic for an audiogram. It was normal. Back to the doctor for a thyroid test. Normal. Back to the ear clinic for an ENG. Normal. Eventually, to the specialist neurologist, who performed just the standard neurological interview with me. Said everything was normal, suggested that it was probably "stress", and that I see a psychiatrist.
By this point, I was desperate. In my mind, I was convinced it wasn't stress (stress straight after I got off a plane, but not before?). But I was so worn out and distressed that I went and was prescribed anti-depressants. I tried those, and the side-effects (inability to sleep, hyperactivity and nervousness) were dreadful. I tried switching to another, and had the same problems. Of course, none of them alleviated my MDD motion sensation.
I went and saw a second doctor, who suggested a CT scan of my sinuses. That was normal.
After three weeks of the antidepressant trial, I insisted that I go back and see the neurologist for another consultation. I did, and this time he agreed to more diagnostic tests. I had a brain MRI done. It turned out normal. I had an evoked potentials test done (where they measure the speed of response of the brain to sensory input signals). It turned out normal.
The final test I was about to get done was a full spinal tap. However, due to the invasive nature of the test, I postponed that for the time being. At this point, it was early November 1995, almost six months after the initial onset. I had taken the entire summer off work (since early July) because of my condition.
It was then that the fortuitous piece of my diagnosis fell into place. Many of the doctors I had seen had told me "common things occur commonly", the medical lingo for doubting that you might have a rare disorder, and instead placing it on that easy out called "stress". However, I was unconvinced, and not getting any satisfaction from my doctors, I turned to the Internet! I posted a message to a newsgroup called rec.travel.air, describing my symptoms and asking if anyone else had ever experienced anything similar. I got a few messages back saying that perhaps I had some physical vestibular problem, such as Meniere's disease, or benign positional vertigo. However, I got one message from a nurse who said that her husband was a specialist in vestibular disorders, and she would relate my symptoms to him and see what he had to say.
The next day, his message came back, saying
From the symptoms described, it sounds most likely to be a case of mal de debarquement.whereupon he then told me that this was not life-threatening, but there was no known cure, and he gave a list of three references in the medical literature.Success! That day, I went to our university medical school library, and pulled the first article he had referenced (the Brown & Baloh article). I read the abstract, and it matched 100% with the symptoms I had described, i.e. rocking sensation (not vertigo) after motion exposure lasting for months, all diagnostic tests normal, etc. This was it!
I took the article to my doctors (including the psychiatrist, and at that point I stopped taking the antidepressants!), and they all agreed that indeed the symptoms I had been describing all along seemed to agree exactly with this diagnosis (which none of them had heard of before I had shown them this article).
Interestingly, it was the fogginess and lack of clarity in thinking which most affected me in the first few months, rather than the sensation of motion. I felt as though everything I did was in a haze; my planning and concentration abilities were severely impacted. It was probably this description which led to the incorrect diagnosis of "stress/depression". Yes, the stress and depression were probably there, but they were the result of the MDD sensations, not the cause!